Brothers

The adjustment to having a new brother has been rough on A.J. and Spencer. But we have caught them in a few tender moments this week.

Here's A.J. pushing Spencer on the swing:

Here's James, A.J. and Spencer carving pumpkins on Halloween:


And here's our little trick or treaters ready for action:

Keep your hands inside the ride at all times. . . .

This week has been quite the roller coaster. There have been wonderful, tender moments when I think we are just so lucky and blessed. Then we have those moments where I wonder in the heck we've done to our family and will we ever have "normal" again.

Spencer is so full of ups and downs. He can be such a cute, fun kid one moment and hitting, scratching and screaming "NO!" the next. I know he is just going through regular adjustment phases, but it sure wears me out. He is testing the boundaries and trying to figure out how he fits into this crazy home full of weird strangers.

But we've come a long way in a week too. When we took him to Carl and Meg's for dinner last Sunday. He sat on the floor the whole time by himself playing with a truck and blocks and wouldn't eat a thing (until the carrot cake came out and that only lasted until he found a raisin in it.)

Today we went to see my cousin Andy bless his new baby and to a family dinner afterward. Spencer played with the other kids and actually ate quite a bit. Progress. Slow and steady. But progress.

I've compared it to swimming in molasses. We're making lots of motions, but hardly moving at forward at all. I think that is how it is going to be for awhile. Meanwhile, I am just trying to breathe in and out and put one foot in front of the other.

And I keep reminding myself of something Elder M Russell Ballard said at General Conference in April, "The joy of motherhood comes in moments." Motherhood isn't all happy, all the time, but there are those little moments that bring you joy. We are hoping in the near future there are more moments of joy and less moments of tears.

Welcome Spencer - the Bitter and the Sweet

We got the call at 2:30 p.m. yesterday afternoon that we could pick up Spencer at 5:30 p.m. and sign paperwork and bring him home to our family. Wow! It was really going to happen. It would be a legal-risk placement but actually less of a risk than we took with A.J.

We arrived promptly at 5:30 p.m. but Spencer and his mom were running late, stuck in traffic. We went ahead and paid our placement fee and waited. It was about 45 minutes later when they arrived.

Five years ago, it was hard to watch A.J.'s birthmom say goodbye to him. But I couldn't even imagine how hard it was for her because I was pretty naive in those days about a mother's love.

Last night, it was excruciating to watch Spencer's mom say goodbye to him. I can't even think about it without crying again. She held him close and kept whispering, "I love you. I love you." My heart just shattered right there for both of them. What a brave, strong woman.

Once his mom left the room, he totally broke down. "Mommy. Mommy," he cried over and over again. My heart broke all over again. There was no consolling him, or me at that point. We just cried together. That was the bitter.

I signed my portion of the paperwork through tears and James was the strong one, thank goodness one of us could be.

Once that was done, I asked Spencer if he wanted to go home and play with the trains. He stopped crying, got in the car and we came home.

I had all the images in my mind of pictures at the agency and going out to dinner to celebrate. By time we finished it all, it was about 7:20 and we were in no shape to take pictures or to go out to dinner. We just came home.

Spencer did pretty well once we got here. He played trains with James and A.J. while I fixed dinner. He didn't each much dinner but that was OK. He took his night time medicine, but an hour later was still just as wound up so we gave him the rest of his dose.

We read for awhile and then it was time for sleep. Spencer cried for mom again but he let me hold him and sing to him this time and he went ot sleep pretty quick. That was the sweet.

He only woke up once at about 12:30 this morning and I got up with him, rocked him back to sleep and then decided to sleep on a mat on his floor in case it kept happening. Needless to say, I didn't sleep well and woke up with a stiff back this morning.

He woke up hungry and ready to eat a good breakfast. Apple sauce, yogurt and oatmeal. Not bad for a boy I've hardly seen eat anything. Here's A.J. and Spencer eating breakfast:

We've had a pretty good day so far. We went to Costco for a few more things, had lunch, took A.J. to school. All the usual things. We'll have to see how haircuts go this afternoon.

We did manage to get a family picture this morning, even on the first try:


There was a Child Services hearing this morning about Spencer and his siblings. They were hoping to get a relinquishment from the legal father at the hearing and it didn't happen. Because they scheduled the hearing on such short notice, it was a new judge and new attorney's involved. In the first bit of wisdom I've seen from the state in this case, the judge rescheduled the hearing for a time when the original judge who is familiar with the case could hear it. So we are back to hoping they can get relinquishment from the legal father before then. I guess he told today's judge that he was ready to sign and the attorney representing him asked for that to be struck from the record. Oh bother!

I am sure there is more to say, but I am still physically and emotionally tired from last night. Watch for more about Spencer and A.J. soon.

Spencer meets Geo Trax

Adopting a three year old is so different from adopting a new born. When we adopted A.J., we met his birthmom before he was born once, and then we picked him up when he was two days old and that was that. Well, not really because we had that whole issue with his birthfather later. But really, the adjustment was much like what every first time parent goes through and A.J. doesn't remember anything, except being apart of our family.

This time, we are trying to bring a child into our family who already has a mom and a dad. He has a sister and a brother who he lives with now. I can't even imagine what he must think about what is going on right now. He doesn't talk much. Mostly just nods. So all we can do, is read his body language. But we are trying to make the transition as smooth as possible.

This afternoon, we brought him over to our home to get to know us better for a few hours. In the car on the way to our house, even with a movie on in the car, he seemed completely freaked out by what was happening. But he walked right in the door, took one look at the Geo Trax and went right to work. Pretty soon, James had built him quite a track to make all the trains go round and round.


A.J. brought over Addison to meet him too. Then he told Jen (Addison's mom), "Allow me to introduce you to my brother." So Jen and Keaton came over too. Again, Spencer's little face showed he was a bit freaked out. A new surrounding and so many new people. We put the bounce house up outside but all Spencer wanted to do was play Geo Trax. Thank goodness for Geo Trax.

A.J. played some too. Here they are together:

They look like good brother huh? Even if A.J. dwarfs Spencer in size.

We had dinner but Spencer didn't eat much. I guess the medication he is on doesn't leave him much of an appetite. After dinner, he went right back to playing Geo Trax. More neighbors stopped by and soon we had a house full again, and everyone, young and old was playing Geo Trax. Spencer just kind of sat there, trying to take it all in but a little scared about all the new people.

We took him back to his current home and he was soon back to his old self. Running around and playing with his brother and sister there. A.J. even joined in with the running around and playing for a few minutes.

As with A.J.'s adoption, things aren't going so smoothly on the legal side right now. For two weeks, LDS Family Services has been trying to get a reliquishment from Spencer's legal father. So far, it hasn't happened. Because he is in prison, they have to work with a Correction's social worker to arrange a time for him to sign. So far they've had little luck getting Corrections to even call them back. So placement will not happen this weekend like we had planned.

At first I was really disappointed because it's what we had planned. But now I think it will be nice to give Spencer a few more days to transition. We will see him tomorrow when we go to Barnyard Boo at Thanksgiving Point with his current extended family. Then on Sunday, we will bring him over here for a few hours before we take him to meet some cousins and an Aunt and Uncle. It gives us time to get his room finished and all ready for him. It's all cleaned out, but there is no furniture in it yet. Just toys and his name on the wall, thanks to Jen who made a name swag for him.

The other major challenge to this adoption is Child Protective Services. Because a negligance complaint was filed on his current mother, the state is going to hold a hearing on Tuesday and possibly place Spencer and his siblings in supervised custody. If that happens, she can't place Spencer for adoption through a private agency. We are hoping for an end run that will make it possible for us to have him in our family by then. Right now we are left with convincing everyone to do a legal risk placement on Monday or hoping they can get a relinquishment from the legal father before the hearing on Tuesday.

The hero of the story is the lead adoption worker at our LDS Family Services office, Lorna and her fellow caseworkers who are working on this case. When Spencer's mother came through the door, Lorna immediately thought of our family for him. When her boss was ready to through in the towel and conceed to the State, she convinced her the fight wasn't over. She told us tonight that she feels strongly that this placement needs to take place for Spencer's sake and for ours.

We're just praying she is right and leaving it in God's hands. To be continued, I'm sure. . .

Introducing Spencer

Two weeks ago today, we got a call from the head caseworker at our LDS Family Services office. She was wondering if we would be open to consider an unusual adoption situation. An adoptive mother was looking to place a three-year old with some special needs. She had narrowed it down to three profiles, including ours. Would we be interested?

I hung up the phone and called James and ran it by him. Of course, he thought of dozens of questions I hadn't even thought of. But James is very skeptical of these situations. I knew when he didn't rule it out in the first five minutes, that this could really happen.

We took the night to think about it and called the caseworker back the next day and grilled her for more information, like his name: Spencer. My final question to her was if there were still two other families being considered. Well, no. One withdrew themselves because they have a pending adoption. Between the other two families, she preferred ours. The adoptive mom had also shown the profiles to her father and to her best friend. They both picked ours. I asked to see a picture and she told me to come get it. This is what I got:


Cute, huh? At this point we were overwhelmed and wondering what we were really getting ourselves into. Could we welcome him into our family and give him the structure, love and home that he needs? Would I be able to keep up with a boy already being treated for ADHD?

After a day of fasting and prayer, we agreed to meet him on that Friday. What can I say? James and I fell in love with him right away. He warmed right up to us and loved the truck we brought as a little present. His engaging smile sucked me right in. Our Spencer.

That night we told A.J. he would be getting a new brother. He told Addison and McKenna (our neighbors) that he wouldn't be able to play as much with them because he would be playing with his new brother.

Then we left for vacation. I woke up from a nap on Sunday afternoon at the hotel and looked around with a distinct feeling that someone was missing. Spencer.

Today, I took A.J. to meet him. Holy cow are we in for some crazy days ahead. Spencer was showing off for A.J. and they were running around together throwing things and having a grand old time. Spencer was a bit rough with him, but A.J. was a great big brother and didn't get rough back. When Spencer ran off, A.J. went after him and brought him back. They were even holding hands.

Spencer reminds me a lot of A.J. at three and a half. He puts everything in his mouth. He likes to run away. Get into everything. Gets aggressive when he doesn't get his way. Maybe all three-year old boys are like that? Or maybe I just got two from the same mold.

But Spencer is speech delayed and isn't potty trained yet. So we have some fun days ahead. I am going to have to step up my game a bit and be a better mom. Lots of structure from day one and lots of love. And I've got to get the house child-proof again. We used to joke that there was child-proof and there was A.J.-proof. I fear that Spencer-proof might be an entirely new level of security.

On Friday we get to bring him over to play for a couple of hours and if things go well, we will bring him home for good on Saturday after we meet all of his current family.

Spencer is not the name we had picked out for a boy. Our good friends named their son Spencer earlier this year and I am pretty sure we would not purposely use the same name. But it fits him and it was his birthmother's last name. So even though we have the option to change it, Spencer it will be.

With A.J. I had lots of promptings along the way that let me know that he was coming. I was talking to my friend Leigh about this a few weeks ago. She is also an adoption worker and an adoptive mother. She asked if I had any feelings about the next one. I told her that I had in the past, but nothing that made any sense. About three years ago, I had a feeling that my child had already been born and that we wouldn't be getting a newborn. When nothing came of it, I figured that I had been wrong. Now it makes sense. God prepares us in many ways and sometimes it doesn't make sense right away. It's one of those lessons I apparently have to learn over and over again in my life.

My friend Angie said the other day something that has really stuck out to me: "If God leads you to it, he will lead you through it." I am going to cut that out of vinyl and put it on my wall some where were I can see it every day.