A Grateful Mom

It might be hard to believe with all the Christmas trees up at my house right now, but my absolute favorite holiday of the year is actually Thanksgiving.  I love that we set aside a day to give thanks for the blessings that are so generously poured out on us.  I have so much to be grateful for but sometimes in the thick of raising "easy to love but hard to raise" children, I forget to take the time to pause and think about all of those things.  So in the spirit of the holiday, I thought I'd share the things that I am most thankful for in my parenting journey.



Laughter: You have to laugh or else you'll cry.  And sometimes the tears come much, much easier than the laughter.  But I love to laugh and my most favorite people in my life are the ones that can make me laugh, even on those days when it's easier to cry.  And my favorite memories with my family are the times when we are all just silly and laughing together. 

Friends:  Raising hard children can be isolating.  It's much easier to just stay home than deal with might happen in public or what you are going to have to deal with afterwards when you bring home an overstimulated child.  And inviting anyone into your home is a crap shoot all it's own.  Finding friends who accept that about your life can be difficult.  Lucky for me, I have several friendships that have stood the test of time and have so far survived this journey.  And even though most of  my dearest, oldest friends live far away, I know I can always count on them to make me laugh when I need it the most, remind me that I am more than just a mom, and pray with us when we need a miracle.

Other Parents: Sometimes, I just need to talk to someone who also knows about executive functioning deficiencies, oppositional defiance, prefrontal cortex and neurodevelopmental disorders, and the long list of prescription drugs and therapies we have both tried for our children. The friend who will roll her eyes with me when a young new mom talks about how hard it is to be a mom, "but if we just love our kids, everything will be OK" during a Relief Society lesson.  The one who you can joke with about how you've lowered your expectations for you child from mission and college to just not ending up in jail.  The ones that just get it.  I'm so thankful for those people in my life.

Vacations:  This might seem a little odd given that my children can be a little bit unpredictable.  When we went on our first Disney cruise in 2013, we were paired with a family for dinner who had two boys, the older one had some mild emotional control issues.  As we sat down for dinner each night and compared notes about our days and some of the meltdowns we had encountered with our children.  She said something that has stuck with me: "My son is going to meltdown where ever we are.  I'd much rather be enjoying the time in between meltdowns on a cruise than sitting at home."  Very wise words.  We've had our share of meltdowns and even a couple of EPIC ones all over the place.  However, the times between the meltdowns, I feel like a normal family doing what normal families do.  It is a our escape from reality, even if it's just a long weekend in sunny St. George. 

Insurance: This is a mixed blessing for us right now.  I am so thankful we have employer-sponsored insurance and that we listened to a caseworker who insisted we accept Medicaid for our youngest.  So even though we seem to be in a constant battle with the insurance company right now to continue to pay for services everyone else thinks our child needs, I could not imagine trying to do this without insurance, or even with an 80-20 plan or high deductible.  


Mental Health Professionals:  For better or for worse, we have had our share of these in our lives over the last seven years.  I'm thankful for the ones that have worked so hard to help our family and I'm thankful for the ones who've said it's time to move on and find someone else who can do what I can't. It can be very hard to find the right people to help your children, but I'm thankful for the team we have right now.

An Eternal Perspective: When there is a new hole in the wall, or my child is having a meltdown in the lobby of the urgent care center, it's hard to remember that these are just small moments in the much, much bigger picture.  I am not the only one who loves my boys.  They were first loved by God.  And He has entrusted them to me.  This is His work and we are promised over and over again in the scriptures that when we are doing His work, we are entitled to His help.  And he sends it in the form of peace, promptings and most definitely helpful, supportive and kind people.

There are many, many more blessings I have in my life but these are the things that seem important to me today.   I hope you can see the blessings in your own life, regardless of what else is going on in it.  Life is hard and parenting is hard.  But I know when we look for the good in our lives, we will find it.  Happy Thanksgiving!

A Shining Moment of Joy

"Recognize that the joy of motherhood comes in moments. There will be hard times and frustrating times. But amid the challenges, there are shining moments of joy and satisfaction." - Elder M. Russell Ballard, April 2008

A lot of things about being a mother are a real struggle for me.  Frankly, it's a lot harder than I ever imagined it could be in those years that I waited to have my turn.  Don't get me wrong, I love my boys fiercely but more often than not, they challenge me to the breaking point.  There are plenty of days where I drop into bed and wonder if I am doing anything right or if all the effort is just wasted.

Yesterday was not one of those days.  At least not for a few moments when I fully understood what Elder Ballard meant.

A.J. turned 12 last February.  Part of being that age in our faith is knowing that you will be called upon to give a talk in Sacrament Meeting, (our main worship service). Our Bishopric, understanding that he can be an anxious kid, cut him some extra slack and waited this long before asking him to speak.

He had a week to prepare but of course, (after all he is my son) put it off until Saturday afternoon and only did it then because we told him he had to write his talk before he could go outside and roam the neighborhood.

So he sat down at the computer and about 20 minutes later, had more than one full page of ready to go.  He printed it out and handed it to James and me.  I just barely skimmed the beginning of it to make sure he was on the right path and was pleasantly surprised at what he had to say.  But I didn't read the entire talk because I wanted it to hear it the way everyone else would for the first time.

When he stood up at the pulpit to give his talk, I think I might have been more nervous that he was.  After all, I knew just how hard it was for him to stand up there in front of all those people.  And to make it just a little more anxiety-producing, one of the other speakers was a young man who leaves on his mission this week so there were a lot of extra people in attendance and many unfamiliar faces.  And maybe some of my nerves had to do with not being sure exactly what he was going to say.

His topic: preparing now to serve a mission. And he hit it out of the park.  He really did. I know I'm just a little biased, but I'm allowed to be, right?   He started with a couple of jokes.  Here's my favorite:

In the (primary) song, I Hope They Call Me On A Mission it says, "I hope they call me on a mission when I have grown a foot or two."  Now if you can't tell, according to the song, I should be on a mission right now. I've already grown a foot or two.

(It's probably not as funny if you have to explain it, but A.J. is very tall for his age.  He's taller than all his Ernstrom uncles with no sign of slowing down anytime soon).

And he concluded his talk with this (and remember he's only 12 and cares much more about video games and science than writing and grammar):

We all know that you need to have a good attitude and be able to talk to people. If you lose it during your mission then how are you going to get anyone to hear you out. We all can prepare now for that kind of instance by sharing our brotherly kindness. We need to be able to want to listen to what people are going through and what they have to say about life. We all need to get along with our friends and family more often so that by the time we go on a mission we can already have a good attitude as not just a habit but our personality. 

Cue the tears!  These exact things are what I want the most for my children: to be kind and have a good attitude.  And just for a second, I got to see that something is actually sinking in underneath all that curly hair and preteen surliness.  There really are "shining moments of joy and satisfaction." And boy have I needed one lately.

So last night, when I climbed into bed I didn't have to wonder if all the hard work is really worth it.  Just for today, I can tell you it is 100% worth it.  Now all bets are off when I log in to check his grades and see all those missing assignments again. Then I'll need to be reminded to have a good attitude and be kind.