Becoming Goals vs. Doing Goals

In our church, we do not have paid preachers who deliver sermons every week.  Instead, members of the congregation are asked to speak and encouraged to draw on personal experiences, the scriptures and words of our General Authorities and Prophets to share a message.  Usually the topic is assigned by our lay leadership. 

I was asked to give a talk to our congregation this New Year’s Eve.  A few friends asked that I share a copy with them so here it is. I've tried to share links to resources a little bit better and expanded things left out originally in the interest of time. Ten minutes goes so fast!  Hopefully I’ve given credit where credit is due and stayed true to sources.

The topic I was assigned was a little vague: a little on repentance and goal setting, but basically doing better in the New Year.  As I pondered this topic, I had a million thoughts swirling through my head.  Then I was listening to book called Christ in Every Hour by Anthony Sweat and heard these words:  our “progress is not measured in the doing, but in the becoming.”  It pricked my heart and I knew that “becoming” needed to be the focus for my talk.

Also in preparation for this talk, I crowd sourced the topic, asking my friends what their goals and resolutions were for the New Year.  Many answered the typical things one would expect: losing weight, exercise, getting out of debt, decluttering and organizing homes, learn a new skill, reading the scriptures, etc.  I call these the doing goals.  And there is nothing wrong with those.  They all are worthy goals.

A few friends wrote that they don’t make resolutions for fear of feeling like a failure when they don’t measure up to the doing. Most of us can relate to that.

But I was much, more intrigued with the becoming goals.  One friend Terra wrote that her goal for 2017 was to be nice.  I’ve never known her not to be nice so I asked her to expand on this a bit.  She wrote that she started the year very concerned about the political climate of the country, especially attitudes towards minorities and immigrants.  As she examined herself, she realized there might be some room for improvement in her own interactions with others so she made a conscious decision to be friendly, open and kind to everyone regardless of any deep down, preconceived notion she had about a person based on their race, ethnicity or other difference.  She made eye contact, smiled and made small talk with strangers, especially ones that were different than her.  She stood up to others who might say something that could be perceived as intolerant. She says at times she looked like a weirdo, but a kind weirdo.  And she wrote that somewhere along the way, it wasn’t an effort any more.  Her heart had changed and she became the nice person she wanted to be.   I just love this so much.

Another friend named Tara (I have several friends with this name all spelled in various ways) picks a word to concentrate on each year.  In 2016, her word was “content.”  Last year, “strength” and this next year, it is “brave.”  As she focuses on each of these words, she becomes those words. 

An example from my own life: a few years ago, my goal was to lose weight.  And I did.  But I regained it all back.  However, when my focus changed from losing weight to becoming healthy and active, my motivation and determination changed and I became much more consistent with exercise and moderating my eating habits.  And what motivated me even more was the desire to NOT become something: a type 2 diabetic which runs in my family. I have not reached my original weight goal again, but I don’t worry about that anymore because I can physically do things I could not before.  I am no longer afraid of hikes that are listed as strenuous.  And I feel so much better about myself.  And I don’t hate exercise anymore. In fact, in the times I’ve been sick or injured, I actually look forward to starting back up again.

Now “doing” is definitely part of becoming. I still have to exercise and eat better if I want to be healthy.  However, when our focus turns from checking things off our list to show we’ve accomplished something to checking things off our list because it is helping us become something, our motivation and desire changes.  As we focus on “becoming” we can ask ourselves if the actions we are doing each day, each hour, each minute are moving us closer to becoming what we want to be or further away from it. 

To those that don’t make resolutions for fear of failure, I believe the great thing about becoming goals rather than doing goals is that we are never truly fail.  Regardless of how badly I’ve eaten the past two weeks, and really, let’s not talk about it, I can get back to being healthier tomorrow. With our becoming goals, we either become that thing we hope to be and have that “mighty change of heart,” or we keep working at it.   We get a new year every 365 days, but we get a new month every 28-31 days, a new week every 7 days and a new day every 24 hours.  If we didn’t work so hard at our becoming goal today, then we can work a little harder at it tomorrow.   And if our actions are taking us further away from our becoming goal, we can change, and redouble our efforts.

I’ve mostly focused on more temporal goals.  But this applies, maybe even in greater measure, to our spiritual goals.  In The Book of Mormon, 3 Nephi27:27 we read Jesus’ words to the Nephites, “What manner of men ought ye to be? Verily I say unto you, even as I am.”

In October 2000, Elder Dallin H. Oaks gave a talk entitled The Challenge to Become.   In it he says, “In contrast to the institutions of the world, which teach us to know something [or do something], the gospel of Jesus Christ challenges us to become something.”

He goes on to say, “The Final Judgment is not just an evaluation of a sum total of good and evil acts—what we have done. It is an acknowledgment of the final effect of our acts and thoughts—what we have become. It is not enough for anyone just to go through the motions. The commandments, ordinances, and covenants of the gospel are not a list of deposits required to be made in some heavenly account. The gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan that shows us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to become.”

Our path to becoming more like Him, will not always be a straight line.  We may wander from time to time off the path.  But, through the atonement we can become what He wants us to become.

ElderJeffery R. Holland in April 2016 said it this way: “Please remember tomorrow, and all the days after that, that the Lord blesses those who want to improve. . .. If you stumble in that pursuit, so does everyone; the Savior is there to help you keep going. If you fall, summon His strength. Call out like Alma, ‘O Jesus, … have mercy on me.’ He will help you get back up. He will help you repent, repair, fix whatever you have to fix, and keep going. Soon enough you will have the success you seek.”

As we seek to become as He is, it easy to get bogged down in all the ways we are not measuring up.  In this past October GeneralConference, Elder Holland devoted his talk to the commandment to “Be ye therefore perfect.” And he added the word “eventually” to the title of his talk.

And we need to be especially careful not to get caught up in the worldly definition of perfection, or as Elder Holland calls it “toxic perfectionism.”  Some have called perfectionism Satan’s counterfeit to the commandment to be perfect.  I first heard this in a talk given at BYU Women’s Conference by Sister Denise PosseLindberg.  It’s when we get so caught up in looking and acting the part of a perfect person, with a perfect house, perfect wardrobe, perfect hair, perfect family, perfect job, etc., that we begin to rely on the praise of others for our worth and on ourselves for salvation.  And we also get totally stressed out.

Elder Holland said, “With a willingness to repent and a desire for increased righteousness always in our hearts, I would hope we could pursue personal improvement in a way that doesn’t include getting ulcers or anorexia, feeling depressed or demolishing our self-esteem.  That is not what the Lord wants for Primary children or anyone else who honestly sings, ‘I’m trying to be like Jesus.’”

In their book, The Christ Who Heals, Terryl and Fiona Givens write about the commandment to be ye therefore perfect: “[P]erfect, as rendered in the original Greek text (teleios) or in the German Bible that Joseph [Smith] called ‘the most correct’ (vollkommen) means whole, complete or having reached its goal or end.  And the original verb is in the future tense. ‘Therefore you shall be whole and complete’ is indeed a strictly literal rendering of the passage.  We should read Christ’s words as expressing his hope, his wish—even his promise—that we will eventually fill the measure of our creation, become complete and whole, as part of a process He is overseeing and guiding as our Shepherd and Healer.”

Returning to Elder Oaks talk, he gives a parable of a wealthy father who wants to impart to his heir all that he has AND all that he is.  However, his heir has not yet developed the necessary wisdom and stature and the father fears the inheritance would be squandered.  He told his heir:

“That which I have, I can easily give you, but that which I am you must obtain for yourself. You will qualify for your inheritance by learning what I have learned and by living as I have lived.  I will give you the laws and principles by which I have acquired my wisdom and stature.  Follow my example, mastering as I have mastered, and you will become as I am, and all that I have will be yours.”

This is exactly what Heavenly Father wants for us.  He wants us to inherit all that He has and all that He is.  But first we much become as He is by following His plan.

In conclusion, I hope we can all take this chance at the beginning of the New Year to look at our lives and ask ourselves who we want to become.  Whether our goals are to become healthier, more financial stable, more organized, nicer, braver, stronger or what each of our goal should be: to become what Heavenly Father wants us to be, I challenge you to focus on the becoming, and not just on the doing.  Write down your becoming goals and then ask yourself every day if the things you are doing are taking you closer to becoming what you want to be or further from it.  I also know that Heavenly Father will help us with our temporal and our spiritual eternal goals if we prayerfully ask him and then do the things we are prompted to do.  I know he loves each of us and wants us to  succeed. 

Wright Holiday Traditions

I trust everyone had a wonderful holiday season and is doing their best to fight off the post Christmas blahs.  Around here, the inversion has set in and that always drives me to the edge and leads me to ask the following questions: when will winter finally be over (I know, it's only two weeks old officially); and why, oh why, don't we have another vacation planned to warmer climes this January?  (Darn Jr. High!)

But as we start to take down the Christmas decorations today, I've been reflecting on the little things we do every year that bring us closer together as a family and provide some consistency from year to year.  (However, I did discover last night that my kids don't actually remember we do these things every year and get them all confused anyway, so I'm not entirely sure why we bother sometimes.  I suppose it's just so we can say we have some traditions.) It's probably a little strange to post these after the holidays, but here it is anyway.

Our biggest and most elaborate tradition is our Christmas Party.  It came about because after we moved to Farmington, I made of list of "neighbors" I felt we should do something for at Christmas time. It was 25 people long by time we included all our immediate neighbors, primary teachers and scout leaders, visiting/home teaching families, those we served with at church and a few others we started to call our friends.  Yikes!  So we decided the next year, to just do a big party instead of neighborhood gifts.  So far, it's always been the Friday before Christmas.  We pretty much invite everyone we know that lives anywhere near us or is willing to drive to it.  We don't let others bring anything for the party itself because it really is our gift to them.  We do however pick a charity and encourage those that want to bring something, to bring it for that charity and then we deliver it.  And one would think I would stop to take pictures of this party, or at least the food.  But it never happens.  I'm always so caught up in making sure all the food trays are sufficiently full, that I don't think of things like taking pictures.  Maybe next year.  (Although every year when I nurse sore knees and feet for a couple of days and carpel tunnel from whisking and scooping for a week after the party I swear it will be the last time we do it.)

Our other traditions are much simpler than this.  At Christmas, we generally have our big meal on Christmas eve.  I think this actually came about because one year when AJ was very small, we all had a stomach bug on Christmas Day.  We stayed in our PJ's all day and did nothing.  While the stomach bug part wasn't fun, the doing nothing part was heaven!  So unless we have family in town, that's exactly what we do on Christmas: as little as possible.  Obviously we eat, but just breakfast and left overs.  (Although this year we DID break that tradition a bit by going to see The Force Awakens on Christmas Day.)

One tradition my boys don't forget is that they aren't allowed to open their presents until we've had breakfast on Christmas morning.  While I'm making Christmas Eve dinner, I also prepare a breakfast casserole for Christmas morning.  Then we eat that and Rhodes orange rolls (because who has time or energy to make orange rolls and mine never turn out as yummy anyway).  The boys do get into their stockings before we eat, but not unless I'm there to take a picture.

 

Another Christmas time tradition at our house that I brought with me from my own childhood is jigsaw puzzles.  My family would always have a puzzle out over Christmas break.  So as soon as our party is over and all the presents are wrapped, I start itching to do a puzzle.  Unfortunately, my family does not enjoy them and isn't as practiced at them as I am.  So I usually end up doing them mostly alone. Sure they will come put a few pieces in, but when they can't find any easy matches, they walk away.  I have become terrible about stepping away from a puzzle when it isn't complete so twice last week I stayed up well past my bedtime to finish a 1000 piece puzzle I started earlier in the day.  The second time, it was the brand new puzzle that we got for Christmas and my family was a little bit sad that they didn't get to help.  So we took it all apart and put it back together again as a family (again, in one day because I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep until it was complete, again!)

Our other traditions revolve around New Years.  On NYE every year, I make all our favorite finger foods and we play games together (usually the ones we get for Christmas) and try not to make each other crazy before the ball drops in New York City so we can go to bed.  This year, the boys got Clue for Christmas.  We decided last night that we are all terrible Clue players (I dropped my cards so everyone else could see them) and make it too easy to figure out whodunnit.

Then on New Years morning, just when everyone else is starting out healthy, we have Utah scones for breakfast.  (All those health goals can just wait until the kids go back to school!)  If you aren't familiar with Utah scones, they resemble more of a sopapilla or beignet than what the English would refer to as a scone.   In the past, I've just used either Rhodes dough or just regular bread dough.  But this year I followed an actual scone recipe I found on Pinterest from the Creme de la Crumb Blog. Seriously so much better than years past.

 

James and I also celebrated our 20th anniversary on December 29.  I guess you could say that's a tradition too.  This year, we gave up on any hope of finding someone to take the boys and decided to make it a fun family day instead.  We drove down to BYU for the Norman Rockwell Exhibit and then went to one of our favorite family-friendly restaurants, Tucanos.  Who doesn't love meat on a stick, especially when that meat is turkey wrapped in bacon.  Yum!

 This all makes our Christmas break seem rather idyllic.  I assure you it hasn't been.  You know when they wrote that song with the words, "and mom and dad can hardly wait for school to start again" they were talking about me.  Two weeks is just too long for them to be home and us not to be out exploring something far from home (impossible this year because James took so much time off earlier this year).  So Monday cannot get here soon enough!  Happy New Year!

2015 Christmas Letter that Wasn't

 Last year's Wright Family update was brilliant (if I do say so myself.)  We used hashtags to describe our year with quick snippets of information to explain them.   I was so happy with the way it turned out.  But it ruined this year's Christmas letter.  I was running out of time and did not have time to come up with anything nearly as witty or interesting.  So I punted.  And this is what was on the back of our card:

So for those of you who were disappointed with our lack of information, here is a more traditional 2015 Christmas time updates:

DISNEY: Yes, we went to Disney a lot.  With the savages both on year round school schedules, we took full advantage of the breaks and went every chance we could.  If you add our trips in 2014, we went to Disneyland four times in 12 months just to get the most out of those annual passes.  And since the savages were off track from Martin Luther King Day to Presidents Day and mom hates the winter inversions, we went to Florida and spent a week at Walt Disney World with our dear friends, the Pegrams, and our new friends, the Hatleys.  (And the joke was on us since it was actually warmer in Salt Lake City than Orlando one of the days we were there.)  We followed that up with a week on the Disney Fantasy cruising around the Eastern Caribbean, stopping in San Juan, St. Thomas and Castaway Cay. (And it was definitely warmer in San Juan and St. Thomas than in Salt Lake City.)  Someone asked us if we are Disney stockholders.  No, we just give them all our money.  Next Disney trip is scheduled for January 2017 and we are fighting the urge to pack our bags now.

Old San Juan, January 2015

BESIDES DISNEY:  On our April trip to Disneyland, we added a day at the Ronald Reagan Library to the front end of our trip.  If you ever want to feel nostalgic for the 80's, go there.  I know he wasn't everyone's favorite president, but he was mine.  I loved his optimism and enthusiasm for making the world a better place.  And I loved that he wasn't afraid to work with anyone from any side of an issue to get things done.  We also got to tour an old Air Force One and Marine One there and an exhibit from the Peterson Car Museum too. 

AJ taking the podium at the Ronald Reagan Library, April 2015

Then we ended that trip with a morning of whale watching off the coast of San Diego.  That's been on my bucket list a long time.  We actually did see a couple of finback whales but the highlight of the trip was a sailing through a large pod of common dolphins that put on quite the show for us.  The lowlight was me getting terribly sea sick on the way back to harbor. 

Enjoying the fresh ocean air in San Diego Harbor, April 2015

NEW MEXICO: After our July/August trip to Disneyland, we drove I-40 (paralleling the old Route 66) across Arizona (with a stop to stand on a corner in Winslow, Arizonia of course) and on to Red River, New Mexico for the Ernstrom family reunion.  That might seem like a strange place for my family to gather, but it's about half way between Salt Lake and Houston and my sister-in-law Burleigh's mom lives in Santa Fe.  It was just gorgeous there.  The perfect place for a family reunion.  Just enough to do that no one gets bored, but not so much to do that you don't get to spend time together as a family playing games and hanging out.  Definitely a highlight of our summer.  And we got to stop at Mesa Verde on the way home to tour the Cliff Palace that we missed on our last trip there.

The Ernstrom Brood (with a few Bolds thrown in for good measure).  Red River, New Mexico August 2015

OUR YARD: We lost a good portion of our backyard to bugs last winter/spring so we decided instead of trying to nurse it back, we would do what we've been talking about for a few year: tear out the grass against our fence line and build some raised beds.  So that's what we did during the hottest time of the year.  But we are so glad to have it done and it made vegetable gardening so much better this year.  Here's the picture of the raised vegetable garden we built:

Raised Veggie Garden, June 2015

ANTHON (AKA AJ, Tony or the Bubs): AJ turned 12 in February this year.  That's a big birthday in our faith.  He graduated from Primary (finally!!) and was ordained a Deacon and received the Aaronic Priesthood.  He also started junior high in the fall.  As long as we don't talk about the way he antagonizes his brother or the way he forgets to turn in his homework, he is an amazing young man who surprises us with his goodness just when we need to be reminded.   He still loves to draw and do other artsy things and even helped me decorate the Christmas trees this year.  He took piano for a few months and we need to find a new teacher and get that going again in the new year.

AJ on his ordination day

SPENCER (AKA Sweets): Spencer turned 10 in February and is counting the days until he's 11 and can go to 11 year old scouts next February.  He just received his Webelos and Arrow of Light awards (and dad and I are thrilled to be nearing the end of cub scouts for our family!).  This fall, he had the opportunity to spend 11 weeks in a special therapeutic day program at Matt's Place in Centerville.    He just returned to half days at his regular school right before Christmas break and continues to go to Matt's Place in the afternoons.  We are so thankful to the amazing team there for all the loving way they support him and our family.  Spencer continues to play sports every chance he gets but just rec league Soccer and Basketball in an organized fashion.  And he wants to be outside playing with friends whenever he can. He's also finally losing his teeth.  Too bad the tooth fairy keeps skipping our house.  Oops!

Celebrating Spencer's 10th Birthday at Pizza Pie Cafe, February 2015

James (AKA Dad):  James continues to work hard to support our Disney habit and my other crazy ideas.  He also started a Mobile Forensic Certification program through Dixie State this past fall and that has just added to his busy schedule.  He had the opportunity to go to Milwaukee this fall to represent the Utah chapter of the Federal Law Enforcement Officer Association at its national annual conference.  Our five year Primary class just loves James and asks him every week how many bad guys he caught.  (The answer is always one).  And then they ask him what the bad guy was doing (always making bad choices).

Ride Selfies! Toy Story Midway Mania, April 2015

Paula (AKA Mom): Believe it or not, I took up running at the end of 2014 and did my first 5K on Castaway Cay on our cruise.  (James walked it too!)  I never in a million years thought I would be a runner, but just when I was getting to the point of actually enjoying it, I sprained my ankle in July doing yard work and then developed a terrible case of tendinitis in the same ankle at the end of September.  So I've spent a lot of the last few months in physical therapy trying to get back to running again.  Besides that, I started creating wreaths and other home decor for some friends this year and even decorated a few Christmas trees.  I also got to go to Women's Conference with some of my oldest and dearest friends and of course the Stampin' Up! Convention with some of my other dearest friends.

BYU Women's Conference with my oldest and dearest, Tera, Sabrina, Ali and Vicki, May 2015

As you can see, we were very blessed this past year.  We also had our share of trials and tears but I'd rather dwell on the good than focus on the struggles and sorrow.  And those things do help us appreciate the good for sure.  We have felt the prayers and love of so many of our friends and family through the hard times and are so thankful for them.

I would feel remiss if I didn't share this wonderful Christmas message with everyone.  If you haven't already watched it, please do.  For unto all of us a Savior is Born.  I know it's true.  Merry Christmas!

A Grateful Mom

It might be hard to believe with all the Christmas trees up at my house right now, but my absolute favorite holiday of the year is actually Thanksgiving.  I love that we set aside a day to give thanks for the blessings that are so generously poured out on us.  I have so much to be grateful for but sometimes in the thick of raising "easy to love but hard to raise" children, I forget to take the time to pause and think about all of those things.  So in the spirit of the holiday, I thought I'd share the things that I am most thankful for in my parenting journey.



Laughter: You have to laugh or else you'll cry.  And sometimes the tears come much, much easier than the laughter.  But I love to laugh and my most favorite people in my life are the ones that can make me laugh, even on those days when it's easier to cry.  And my favorite memories with my family are the times when we are all just silly and laughing together. 

Friends:  Raising hard children can be isolating.  It's much easier to just stay home than deal with might happen in public or what you are going to have to deal with afterwards when you bring home an overstimulated child.  And inviting anyone into your home is a crap shoot all it's own.  Finding friends who accept that about your life can be difficult.  Lucky for me, I have several friendships that have stood the test of time and have so far survived this journey.  And even though most of  my dearest, oldest friends live far away, I know I can always count on them to make me laugh when I need it the most, remind me that I am more than just a mom, and pray with us when we need a miracle.

Other Parents: Sometimes, I just need to talk to someone who also knows about executive functioning deficiencies, oppositional defiance, prefrontal cortex and neurodevelopmental disorders, and the long list of prescription drugs and therapies we have both tried for our children. The friend who will roll her eyes with me when a young new mom talks about how hard it is to be a mom, "but if we just love our kids, everything will be OK" during a Relief Society lesson.  The one who you can joke with about how you've lowered your expectations for you child from mission and college to just not ending up in jail.  The ones that just get it.  I'm so thankful for those people in my life.

Vacations:  This might seem a little odd given that my children can be a little bit unpredictable.  When we went on our first Disney cruise in 2013, we were paired with a family for dinner who had two boys, the older one had some mild emotional control issues.  As we sat down for dinner each night and compared notes about our days and some of the meltdowns we had encountered with our children.  She said something that has stuck with me: "My son is going to meltdown where ever we are.  I'd much rather be enjoying the time in between meltdowns on a cruise than sitting at home."  Very wise words.  We've had our share of meltdowns and even a couple of EPIC ones all over the place.  However, the times between the meltdowns, I feel like a normal family doing what normal families do.  It is a our escape from reality, even if it's just a long weekend in sunny St. George. 

Insurance: This is a mixed blessing for us right now.  I am so thankful we have employer-sponsored insurance and that we listened to a caseworker who insisted we accept Medicaid for our youngest.  So even though we seem to be in a constant battle with the insurance company right now to continue to pay for services everyone else thinks our child needs, I could not imagine trying to do this without insurance, or even with an 80-20 plan or high deductible.  


Mental Health Professionals:  For better or for worse, we have had our share of these in our lives over the last seven years.  I'm thankful for the ones that have worked so hard to help our family and I'm thankful for the ones who've said it's time to move on and find someone else who can do what I can't. It can be very hard to find the right people to help your children, but I'm thankful for the team we have right now.

An Eternal Perspective: When there is a new hole in the wall, or my child is having a meltdown in the lobby of the urgent care center, it's hard to remember that these are just small moments in the much, much bigger picture.  I am not the only one who loves my boys.  They were first loved by God.  And He has entrusted them to me.  This is His work and we are promised over and over again in the scriptures that when we are doing His work, we are entitled to His help.  And he sends it in the form of peace, promptings and most definitely helpful, supportive and kind people.

There are many, many more blessings I have in my life but these are the things that seem important to me today.   I hope you can see the blessings in your own life, regardless of what else is going on in it.  Life is hard and parenting is hard.  But I know when we look for the good in our lives, we will find it.  Happy Thanksgiving!

A Shining Moment of Joy

"Recognize that the joy of motherhood comes in moments. There will be hard times and frustrating times. But amid the challenges, there are shining moments of joy and satisfaction." - Elder M. Russell Ballard, April 2008

A lot of things about being a mother are a real struggle for me.  Frankly, it's a lot harder than I ever imagined it could be in those years that I waited to have my turn.  Don't get me wrong, I love my boys fiercely but more often than not, they challenge me to the breaking point.  There are plenty of days where I drop into bed and wonder if I am doing anything right or if all the effort is just wasted.

Yesterday was not one of those days.  At least not for a few moments when I fully understood what Elder Ballard meant.

A.J. turned 12 last February.  Part of being that age in our faith is knowing that you will be called upon to give a talk in Sacrament Meeting, (our main worship service). Our Bishopric, understanding that he can be an anxious kid, cut him some extra slack and waited this long before asking him to speak.

He had a week to prepare but of course, (after all he is my son) put it off until Saturday afternoon and only did it then because we told him he had to write his talk before he could go outside and roam the neighborhood.

So he sat down at the computer and about 20 minutes later, had more than one full page of ready to go.  He printed it out and handed it to James and me.  I just barely skimmed the beginning of it to make sure he was on the right path and was pleasantly surprised at what he had to say.  But I didn't read the entire talk because I wanted it to hear it the way everyone else would for the first time.

When he stood up at the pulpit to give his talk, I think I might have been more nervous that he was.  After all, I knew just how hard it was for him to stand up there in front of all those people.  And to make it just a little more anxiety-producing, one of the other speakers was a young man who leaves on his mission this week so there were a lot of extra people in attendance and many unfamiliar faces.  And maybe some of my nerves had to do with not being sure exactly what he was going to say.

His topic: preparing now to serve a mission. And he hit it out of the park.  He really did. I know I'm just a little biased, but I'm allowed to be, right?   He started with a couple of jokes.  Here's my favorite:

In the (primary) song, I Hope They Call Me On A Mission it says, "I hope they call me on a mission when I have grown a foot or two."  Now if you can't tell, according to the song, I should be on a mission right now. I've already grown a foot or two.

(It's probably not as funny if you have to explain it, but A.J. is very tall for his age.  He's taller than all his Ernstrom uncles with no sign of slowing down anytime soon).

And he concluded his talk with this (and remember he's only 12 and cares much more about video games and science than writing and grammar):

We all know that you need to have a good attitude and be able to talk to people. If you lose it during your mission then how are you going to get anyone to hear you out. We all can prepare now for that kind of instance by sharing our brotherly kindness. We need to be able to want to listen to what people are going through and what they have to say about life. We all need to get along with our friends and family more often so that by the time we go on a mission we can already have a good attitude as not just a habit but our personality. 

Cue the tears!  These exact things are what I want the most for my children: to be kind and have a good attitude.  And just for a second, I got to see that something is actually sinking in underneath all that curly hair and preteen surliness.  There really are "shining moments of joy and satisfaction." And boy have I needed one lately.

So last night, when I climbed into bed I didn't have to wonder if all the hard work is really worth it.  Just for today, I can tell you it is 100% worth it.  Now all bets are off when I log in to check his grades and see all those missing assignments again. Then I'll need to be reminded to have a good attitude and be kind.

My Social Media Pledge

This is a post I've been thinking about for sometime.  It's one of the reasons I decided to start blogging again.  And I know I promised just a few days ago that I wouldn't get preachy so I'll really try not to do that.

I'm a social person by nature and have always treasured my friendships with others.  So when Facebook came along, it seemed like such a great way to connect with all the people in my life past and present.  What could possibly go wrong?

About a year after I joined, something terrible happened in the neighborhood we lived in at the time: Susan Powell disappeared under mysterious circumstances.  Susan was a member of our Relief Society presidency and I was the counselor over activities.  It was just a few weeks before Christmas and later that same week, we had planned to hold a Relief Society potluck dinner and service project.
 
We deliberated as a presidency and consulted with our bishop about whether we should cancel the activity given the circumstances. It was decided that what our ward family needed right then was to be together and to do this service project.  Besides, Susan wouldn't have wanted us to cancel it.  So I posted this on my Facebook page: "Hoping to see my ward sisters at our Relief Society potluck and service project tonight. I know our minds are elsewhere, but let's get together and make some blankets for those less fortunate than ourselves."  

Just a few minutes later, I received this private message from "Jane Johnson":  "Are you kidding me??? You are worried about a 'Damn' Potluck Dinner and our friend is missing? You can't be serious. Where are your priorities? Cancel the Dinner and start searching for 'hell' sakes!!" 

I don't know a Jane Johnson.  No one by that name lived in our neighborhood or attended our ward.  I believed at the time that it was someone I knew that was hiding behind a pseudo name. At first I was angry.  I’ve never had anything sent like that to me personally before. Then I realized, I was mostly hurt.  Hurt that someone would call me out personally like that and question my motives. Hurt that someone would think I cared more about a party than Susan.

In the days and weeks to come, I would see another friend mocked and scorned publicly on Facebook.  Her only crime?  Wanting desperately to find out what happened to her friend. And I also saw the hurt on her face.

All of this was very eye opening to me and it completely changed the way I used Facebook.  I locked down my privacy settings and stopped taking private messages from people who weren't on my friends list.  And obviously if I still think about it all these years later, it really did have a profound impact on me.

For all the good that social media platforms provide, they also offer a place for others to be just plain mean.  People post things they would never in a million years say to someone face to face. It has sort of dulled our humanity to some extent.

Imagine if everyone on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, message and comment boards and all other social media platforms took a pledge of kindness and respect.  A pledge something like this: 

• I pledge to always consider others feelings, not only you who read my posts, but even politicians, celebrities, athletes and others in the public spotlight, before I hit post.  Maybe Thumper's mom should have said, "If you can't TYPE something nice, don't TYPE nothin' at all."

• If I choose to post or comment on a controversial topic, I pledge to be respectful to those who may have a different opinion.  Our opinions are formed by our experiences and perspective. And because all of us have different experiences and perspective, no two of us will every agree on every single thing.  And that is what makes our world such an interesting place.  I will try to be considerate and respectful of others experiences and perspective when sharing mine.

• I pledge to give you the benefit of the doubt.  I will assume that whatever you posted wasn't meant to personally offend me.  Maybe you and I fundamentally disagree on something. Or maybe it's just a bad day for one of us.  Maybe you were just trying to be verbally ironic. And if you really did mean to offend me, I promise to try and turn the other cheek.

• I pledge to share upbeat, positive and funny things whenever possible but still keep it real.  Yes, there is plenty of bad in the world. But I choose to believe there is infinitely more good if we just look for it.  And yes, I still have my struggles and bad moments and I may share those on occasion too.  Not to get your sympathy, but to show that everyone is human and no one, especially me, has a perfect life. (OK, maybe to get a little sympathy and support too.)

 What would you add to this pledge?  I'm sure I have forgotten something and would love to add to it.  Post a comment below and let me know what I missed.